Do We Have to Forgive Those Who Refuse to Repent?

"He hurt me and won't even say sorry. Does God expect me to forgive him anyway?"

This question becomes especially difficult when the offense is repeated and there is no apology, no remorse, and no evidence of change. Must we forgive even when the person who hurt us refuses to repent?

Jesus said in Luke 17:3 “… If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.”. In this passage, forgiveness is connected to repentance. Likewise, God’s forgiveness of our sins is conditional on our repentance and baptism, “Repent, and let every one of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins…” (Acts 2:38)

Does this give us a “free pass” to harbour resentment and revenge in our hearts? Intuitively and scripturally, we know that the answer is no. We are never granted license to cultivate ill will towards anyone, even if the other party continually sins against us without remorse.

How then do we continue to walk uprightly in a painful relationship without carrying bitterness, or pretending that all is well? The life of David provides a helpful example.

David: Tenderhearted but not naive

Loving our enemies

For years, Saul relentlessly pursued David, seeking his life. Yet, David never sought revenge. On two separate occasions, David had the opportunity to take Saul's life, but he refused (1 Samuel 24:6; 26:9). Even after Saul's death, David mourned him rather than rejoicing over his downfall (2 Samuel 1:17-27).

In this, David exemplified Jesus’ command in Matthew 5:44 to “…love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you…”

Stephen, while being stoned by men who would not repent, cried “Lord, do not charge them with this sin” (Acts 7:60).

In our personal relationships, we might meet people who test our patience and our limits to the point that we find ourselves at our tether's end. David and Stephen were both faced with unrepentant offenders who were literally trying to end their lives—and yet, they chose to show love and tenderheartedness to the very same people. How much more, then, should we exercise restraint and strive to be as tenderhearted as David and Stephen were?

 “And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).

Rebuking the sin

Yet loving our enemies does not mean remaining silent about their wrongdoing. David's love for Saul did not prevent him from confronting Saul's wrongdoing: "Why do you listen to the words of men who say, 'Indeed David seeks your harm'?... and see that there is neither evil nor rebellion in my hand, and I have not sinned against you. Yet you hunt my life to take it…" (1 Samuel 24:9, 11).

Loving our enemies and forbearing those who sin against us does not require us to pretend that nothing is wrong. Nor does it mean telling the offender that “It’s alright” when it is not.

Jesus instructed in Luke 17:3 that “If your brother sins against you, rebuke him." Likewise, Matthew 18:15 teaches us to first address grievances directly and privately. This can be difficult. When we have been hurt, we often find it easier to tell others about the offense than to speak directly to the person who committed it. Sometimes it is because we seek to win an argument by gathering “allies;” other times it is because we simply lack the courage to have an uncomfortable conversation. Yet Jesus calls us to address the matter privately first, with honesty and a desire for reconciliation.

Genuine love is concerned not only with preserving peace but also with helping the sinner recognize and turn from sin.

Setting boundaries

David was not blind to the reality that Saul was seeking to kill him. Rather than returning to Saul's court, David wisely kept his distance: "Now I shall perish someday by the hand of Saul. There is nothing better for me than to speedily escape to the land of the Philistines" (1 Samuel 27:1).

When repentance is absent, we are not obligated to immediately restore trust that has been repeatedly broken or return to the same close, unguarded relationship as though nothing has happened. Instead, like David, we can exercise wisdom through appropriate boundaries while still striving to love our enemies.

Leaving vengeance to God

On two occasions, David had the opportunity to kill Saul, yet he refused.  He declared "Let the LORD judge between you and me, and let the LORD avenge me on you. But my hand shall not be against you" (1 Samuel 24:12). 

David's example teaches us that we should surrender our desire to punish and leave judgment to God. As Paul writes, "Beloved, do not avenge yourselves... for it is written, 'Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,' says the Lord" (Romans 12:19).

Jonah: When bitterness takes root

Leaving judgment to God also means being willing to accept His mercy towards those who repent.  Jonah’s response to Nineveh shows how difficult this can be when our hearts are set on punishment.

When we harbour bitterness toward someone who won't repent, we may unconsciously focus more on punishing them than seeing them restored. The danger is that if they do eventually change, we might not even recognize it because our hearts have become hardened against forgiving them.

Jonah became angry when God showed mercy to Nineveh after its inhabitants repented (Jonah 3:5-10; 4:1-3). Instead of rejoicing, he wanted judgment.  God asked Jonah” Is it right for you to be angry?” (Jonah 4:4)

His example warns us against becoming more interested in punishment than restoration. God takes no pleasure in destruction but delights when sinners turn from their evil ways (Ezekiel 18:23). Therefore, we must guard our hearts from bitterness and be ready to rejoice whenever repentance occurs.

“Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamour, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.”  (Ephesians 4:31)

Conclusion

David provides a powerful example of how to handle painful relationships. He neither ignored Saul’s sin nor retaliated against it. Instead, he spoke the truth in love, entrusted justice to God, and kept his own heart free from bitterness. Jonah’s response, in contrast, warns us against becoming more interested in punishment than restoration.

The unhappiness we feel towards a person who sins against us should not consume our hearts. Whether they repent or not, we can remain tenderhearted without being naive, rebuke without taking vengeance and avoid bitterness while entrusting justice to God. We pray for the offender and keep the door open for reconciliation. In doing so, we can walk in a godly manner while navigating difficult relationships.